The portents weren’t particularly promising when details of the proposed remake of the Arnie classic Total Recall (itself loosely based on Philip K Dicks short story, We Can Remember it for you Wholesale) started coming through. Colin Farrell in the lead role set alarm bells ringing because as a leading man, most of his films stink* and the director wasn’t exactly an inspired choice either. Moreover an extended directors cut was announced before the film even hit the cinema.
Reading up on all of this made we wonder whether to bother but when I read the extended cut was the film the director actually made and the theatrical cut was as a result of test screenings, I decided to give Len Wiseman’s latest a go. I’ve not seen the films he’s most famous for, the Underworld series, starring his missus Kate Beckinsale, but he seems keen on casting her in anything he does, and sure enough she appears in Total Recall as pretty much the main baddy.
I should get it out of the way upfront: I love the original film, in all it’s bonkers kitschy camp, ultra violent loveliness. The remake, in either version, completely lacks a sense of humour. And a lot of blood and swearing as the film is a much lower certificate than the original. It’s a 12 certificate, so plenty of people get shot, but there’s no blood, and there’s plenty of chop socky fighting without blood ever being drawn. Equally, it becomes more and more unwittingly hilarious when any character is thwarted and shouts “Shit!” because that’s all they can do on a 12 (I think there are two or three F words but that’s apparently allowed). kate Beckinsale says it more than most. If I ever rewatch it (which is admittedly unlikely) I intend to instigate some sort of Beckinsale/Shit drinking game. That’s drinking when she says “shit”, not drinking shit. Just to be clear.
The film is a film of two parts really. On the one hand, you can obviously see where the majority of the budget has gone because London and the Colony look lovely, the CGI high tech buildings, vehicles, robots and even roads blend in seamlessly and have obviously had a lot of care and attention lavished upon them. On the other hand you can’t help but think they should have chucked a few more quid at the script rewrites and got something a little more balanced. Total Recall is strangely bland and empty in terms of story. Apparently the whole “is the story after Quaid is ambushed at Rekall real or his Rekall experience?” thing was dropped from the theatrical version, which given how shallow the extended version feels, must make the theatrical version a contender for the dumbest film in the history of films that don’t star the Wayans Brothers.
Total Recall is really a sequence of action set pieces stitched together with the odd piece of stilted dialogue and dodgy exposition. Bill Nighy is introduced and then offed within about 5 minutes towards the end but by this stage your attention is sort of straying anyway. Even the appearance of the triple breasted prostitute at the beginning doesn’t make up for the ham-fisted handling of a lot of it.
Whilst I’m not suggesting that Farrell should have one line’d it all the way through the movie, Wiseman doesn’t do himself any favours with the po-faced straightness of it all. In fact, everything Looper does right is black mark against Total Recall. Looper shows that sci fi can still be violent, and that Bruce Willis can still provide excellent comedic moments. Looper has soul, which is something that’s blatantly missing from Total Recall, right down to the B movie double take ending.
Is it worth a watch? Well it’s not in Uwe Bol territory by any stretch, and they’ve spend around $125m making it look pretty. Just don’t expect to feel more than vaguely satisfied afterwards. What it will probably do is inspire you to dig out the old Arnie version. That can’t be a bad thing, right?
*which is a shame, I like the short Irish fella
